Crouch End sits in a valley at the bottom Highgate and Muswell Hill. This bowled landscape means that if it ever rained for 40 days and nights, the inhabitants would become God’s human cornflakes pretty quickly. But despite the potential dangers of biblical mass murder, this quiet north London town remains the place to live for numerous British TV actors and rock stars. Look! It’s David Tennant queuing up with some Lemsip in Boots! Gasp! Is that Simon Pegg checking out the éclairs in Dunn’s the bakers? Swoon! It’s Minty “From” Eastenders, sinking a pint at The Kings Head. Fuck! Maureen Lipmann!
Just a croissants throw away from the tracksuit wearing hordes and shopping mall hell of Wood Green, Crouch End joins a middle class tri-force with neighboring Muswell Hill and Highgate Village. Unlike it’s taller brothers, the End is unable to keep the hip-hop fans and fish finger munchers of poorer areas at bay with a system of hills and ridges. Instead it has to rely on a high street consisting mainly of wine bars, coffee chains, health food outlets, and novelty trinket shops. However, Wood Greeners do sometimes sneak through to assist Crouch End’s struggling kebab industry.
In an island of proletaria by the KFC, the End often displays hilarious signs of affluent radicalism. “Resist Imperialism! Fight Capitalism! Shout posters from the Socialist Workers Party. Although, I’m not quite sure how middle aged academic dinosaurs can be classed as “workers”, but never mind. And how exactly do they expect people in Crouch End to “fight capitalism”? Buy less olives? Be extra rude to the cashiers in Budgens?
Films and television programmes that have featured Crouch End include Shawn of the Dead, Vera Drake, Enduring Love and Peep Show. There is also a Stephen King short story set in a town called Crouch End which is built on a parallel universe that leaks evil. That might explain the number of pushchairs blocking your path on Saturday mornings.
