hungry

History is a bit like a giant bowl of spaghetti.

Imagine that each strand of pasta represents a story, an image, an idea, a narrative. They tangle, merge – daubed and obscured by tomato sauce and grated cheese, difficult to unravel in one piece. Yes, history is a mess

and that’s why we allow ourselves to be spoon fed.

In Britain the most persistent historical spoon-feeding involves what I like to call The Churchill Narrative. As we all know the health of the state can be judged by the size of the footprint on your face, and even more so when you’re actively encouraging it to stamp your brains out. And that is the main function of TCN, that is what perpetuates the mythology so well. Britain, proud and strong, centuries of genetic purity and rolling green hills, a glorious history of monarchs and leaders. The hubris is pervasive, it soaks down through the culture (or more often, invents itself as culture) suffocating alternative viewpoints as it saturates. TCN is designed as an ideological bulwark against sedition

shop conundrum

I was in Waterstones, yeah?

It was impossible not to notice the sign, pasted to the counter.

“Do you need a bag?” in thick black text.

But

Do I need this book? Do I need this shop? Your store on Piccadilly is the size

of fucking Luxembourg. So do not ask me to refrain.

Because I know for sure

that the bag does not need me.

walks – part 1: the parkland walk walk

The Parkland Walk is a walk in north London, London. It wasn’t always a walk though, as in the past it was a train – a railway line, that is. This four and a half mile stretch includes visions of bizarre stone elves, dilapidated bridges, wonderful abandoned stations, adventure playgrounds and mud. A lot of mud. In the future, all railway lines will look like this.

The first thing you notice about TPW is the paucity of anything resembling a retail experience. There is not one branch of either Rymans or Holland & Barretts along the route. Your Cafe Nero loyalty cards are worthless here. You know those Threshers vouchers your friend emailed you and printed out at work? They became invalid over a year ago, so you shouldn’t still have them in your bag anyway.

albums of 2007

10. Apocalypse Cow – There are no new excuses, Beverley
Carlisle’s seminal power-violence trio returned to form with their third album proper, a ear shredding set complete with a unique interpretation of the Channel 4 News theme.

9. The Sandwiches – Welcome to Preston
“Don’t believe the hype” said an annoyed ‘wiches main man John Turnley as they headlined this years Glastonbury. The Hype had previously told fans that his band were shit.

8. Bill Drummond & Chris Morris – Flid pie; wro(ngs co)ncept sumo grape parts nos 3291 – 8j456yb
The two “media chaos facilitators” joined forces to create an album that included a song about the sort code to Boris Johnson’s bank account, Rachel Stevens tricked into narrating a public execution on behalf of The Holiday Programme and McFly forced to cover Aphex Twin songs at gun point. The album went on sale at 4:16am for precisely 2.9 seconds, the remaining 100,000,000 unsold copies were instantly pulped and airdropped over Pyongyang.

7. James Carkeys - Here Are Some Songs (for you to listen and enjoy)
Every Mum in the land now owns a copy of this album thanks to the song “You are so nice” appearing on an advert for either an electronics company, a car, or an odour neutralising spray. You can’t remember which.

6. Thorny Problem of Effects - Paroxysms of Indignation
An apocalypse predicting Canadian folk rock super group who drizzle sour maple gravy over gorgeous musical potatoes.

5. Bleep - Bleep in Darkness
John Humphrey’s Dubstep masterpiece.

4. I am Dean – Bus Music
Mockney reality-hop beamed to your ears from a provincial town centre at 2:05 am. Includes the hit single “We all like chips, don’t we sweetheart? So how about trying on my cock for size?”

3. Ulcer Department – Finders Keepers
Concept album based on the popular Children’s ITV game show hosted by Neil Buchanan

2. These Coarse Ashes – I reject the reasons you gave for ending our brief but passionate relationship. And your “rules”.
Archie Blacklist and his band of stupidly-monikered late twenty-somethings stoke up the fires of middle class youth angst via the musical equivalent of being unconsciously scarred by a disappointing collection of 7th birthday presents

1. Jeremy Clarkson – The Complete Works of Jeremy Clarkson Narrated by Jeremy Clarkson

People’s champion, head honcho of the opionati, de facto ruler and major contributor to the “telling you like it is” oeuvre, self appointed common sense god and professional mechanophile, narrates his entire no-nonsense book range to a deliciously ambient soundtrack by artists including Boards of Canada, Brian Eno, Nightmares on Wax and Jimmy Nail.