an example of irony

In reference to this entry

This morning I noticed that the Foundation for a Drug Free World’s message outside UCLH has now been replaced by a giant red poster with the legend “Celebrate On The Coke Side Of Life”. As Bart Simpson once said, the ironing is delicious.

ideas for a novel: part 2

Louis Theroux, the famous broadcaster, has been released from his contract at the BBC after the furore surrounding his controversial documentary, When Louis Met The McCanns. After sinking into alcoholism and depression Theroux embarks on a series of illicit affairs, each one more absurd than the last. In one liaison he believes that the two kittens who watch him have sex are the reincarnations of Uday and Qusay Hussein, in another Theroux is forced to marry a gay Citroen 2CV that only he can see. Ultimately, Theroux must regain self confidence in his documentary film making skills if he is to survive with his mind intact. *Spoiler* There’s a bit where Louis accidentally uncovers an underground neo-Nazi crime syndicate run by Jimmy Saville.

Ideas for a novel: part 1

It’s the late 19th Century and at a dinner party in Hampstead, north London, Karl Marx, Freidrich Nietzsche, Sigmund Freud, Albert Einstein and Cuba Gooding Jnr are setting the world to rights. They are interrupted by a mysterious but beautiful stranger who tells them she has buried £1million somewhere in the American west. Thus begins a race for the money that takes our heroes on an epic adventure around the world. Ultimately, they learn that it’s love, and not money that is most important to the human spirit. *Spoiler* There’s also a bit where Cuba Gooding Jnr is chased by Red Indians but is saved by Albert Einstein riding in a hot air balloon.

Everyone’s a critic

On my way through Trafalgar Square the other week I passed the new sculpture on the “empty” fourth plinth and saw a man actually, yes actually really, shake his head at it. “Bloody modern art!” he probably thought, “my disabled cousin Jeff could create a more aesthetically lucid sculpture than that, and without forgetting to conjure astute reference to our 21st Century malaise.” True, but I’d rather see multi-coloured perspex slabs up there than a statue of reformed terrorist Nelson Mandela, once thought as the front runner to a permanent slot on the plinth. The last thing that central London needs is another statue of an ancient politician, although, if they were to put a solid gold persona of Brian Haw on there I wouldn’t complain.

Satirical satire

Extracts from Leo Hickman’s new Bestseller A Year Without Guilt: Questions and Answers For An Ethical Life.

Dear Leo,

Is it ethical to stare at bees?

James Richmond, Worthing

Bees are famous the world over for their honey making abilities, but in
Britain they are still best known for their part in the marketing campaign
for Honey Nut Loops cereal in the early 90s. Personally, I boycotted all
Kellogg’s products at the time, and even now the sound of someone eating
cornflakes makes me ponder the ethics of breakfast. But James, you are
correct in asking whether it is right to stare at a bee. These fragile
creatures are notoriously shy, and will normally fly off when approached by
a curious human wanting to tickle its little furry tummy. If the bee knows
it’s being watched while collecting nectar from a flower it will be put off
and the whole honey harvest would be ruined. It should be okay to watch
bees while using binoculars, as long as you remain covered in a watching
hut and are as quiet as possible.

Dear Leo,

I recently visited a newsagents to buy some sweets for my youngest son Daniel and caught him flicking through the “lads mag” Loaded. (Which, I might add was not on the top shelf with the rest of the pornography.) His father says such behaviour is harmless and is even going to buy Daniel a copy as a present for doing so well in his University exams. What are the ethics of pornography?

Kate Richmond, Worthing

Luckily for Danny’s raging hormones there are options available. He could just buy a copy of the Radio Times, as its content is at least as erotic as the average copy of Loaded and also far more interesting. Alternatively, he could have surgery to remove the part of the brain that knows what pornography is-“the filth quarter”. Unfortunately, scientists don’t actually know where this is located in the brain so it is just a matter of trial and error until they get it right. After each part of the brain is removed, surgeons will ask Danny if he is still able to conceptualize what pornography is. If he doesn’t, great! If he does, then it’s back with the knife.

Dear Leo,

I recently discovered that all my furniture is upholstered with the skin of dead children. What should I do?

Robert Kilroy-Silk, London

Humans have being slaughtering trees for thousands of years to make furniture, and it’s refreshing to see some of us are beginning to source ethical alternatives. Well done Robert.

Leo Hickman’s book A Year Without Guilt is out now, priced £73.54 from all non-existent bookshops.

atheism matters

Forty-four percent of the American population is convinced that Jesus will return to judge the living and the dead sometime in the next fifty years.The fact that nearly half of the American population apparently believes this, purely on the basis of religious dogma, should be considered a moral and intellectual emergency

– Sam Harris

Mr Harris actually disagrees that we should call ourselves atheists. We don’t, for example, have a word for someone who rejects astrology, an idea as equally ridiculous as god. He is also worried that a label such as “atheist” can be seen as standing for a fixed, all encompassing philosophy or representative of “a cranky subculture that meets in hotel ballrooms”. Harris also says that non-theists shouldn’t be embarrassed about embracing meditation or even living in a cave for ten years living off the moss and icicles like some bloody Buddhist.

Crouch End Clock Tower: Xmas 2006

I’ve been looking through some photos I took with my old phone camera. Quite like this one cos I’m a sentimental fool. Classic times. Crazy days. I’ve just noticed that there’s a little door at the bottom. Who knows what secrets it contains? My guess is the person who has the key and everybody who’s been through the door. It’s obvious really.

Crouch End

Crouch End sits in a valley at the bottom Highgate and Muswell Hill. This bowled landscape means that if it ever rained for 40 days and nights, the inhabitants would become God’s human cornflakes pretty quickly. But despite the potential dangers of biblical mass murder, this quiet north London town remains the place to live for numerous British TV actors and rock stars. Look! It’s David Tennant queuing up with some Lemsip in Boots! Gasp! Is that Simon Pegg checking out the éclairs in Dunn’s the bakers? Swoon! It’s Minty “From” Eastenders, sinking a pint at The Kings Head. Fuck! Maureen Lipmann!

Just a croissants throw away from the tracksuit wearing hordes and shopping mall hell of Wood Green, Crouch End joins a middle class tri-force with neighboring Muswell Hill and Highgate Village. Unlike it’s taller brothers, the End is unable to keep the hip-hop fans and fish finger munchers of poorer areas at bay with a system of hills and ridges. Instead it has to rely on a high street consisting mainly of wine bars, coffee chains, health food outlets, and novelty trinket shops. However, Wood Greeners do sometimes sneak through to assist Crouch End’s struggling kebab industry.

In an island of proletaria by the KFC, the End often displays hilarious signs of affluent radicalism. “Resist Imperialism! Fight Capitalism! Shout posters from the Socialist Workers Party. Although, I’m not quite sure how middle aged academic dinosaurs can be classed as “workers”, but never mind. And how exactly do they expect people in Crouch End to “fight capitalism”? Buy less olives? Be extra rude to the cashiers in Budgens?

Films and television programmes that have featured Crouch End include Shawn of the Dead, Vera Drake, Enduring Love and Peep Show. There is also a Stephen King short story set in a town called Crouch End which is built on a parallel universe that leaks evil. That might explain the number of pushchairs blocking your path on Saturday mornings.

What’s in (rainbows) the box?

Drug free world?

Such is the ubiquity of advertising that one barely notices the amount of space dedicated to selling us consumables any more. Which is probably the reason why I was so struck by a poster outside UCLH on Monday morning, an advert that was selling me an idea, not a product, and from a organization that I had never heard of; the Foundation for a Drug-Free World. My first thoughts were “religious group” and a brief glance at their website confirms that Scientologists are heavily involved, although, the jury is still out on whether they do actually qualify as a religion. It’s either that or the most elaborate pyramid scam in history. What makes FDFW different from most “just say no” moralizers is that it’s not only recreational drugs that they want to get rid of. Oh no. These are Scientologists remember, and they’re against prescription drugs too. The website itself is actually quite banal, and assumes that readers will be put off from trying MDMA once they discover that one of the side effects is “confusion”. There is much worry about young people ruining their lives not handing in their homework on time, and an emphasis on “saving lives” – won’t somebody please think of the children! Does drug use kill more young people than car/traffic accidents? More than land mines? Let’s have some perspective, please.

Abstinence equals purity equals goodness. This is the message. Let’s all be nice and clean and free of sin. Let’s never ever get cancer or suffer from paranoia or depression or bronchitis because we, the organized abstainers, the authority on lifestyle choice, have said no to drugs. We have chosen the correct way to live and therefore will deserve never to be ill. Are any of us actually allowed to make a choice without being consulted by giant posters on our way to work?

The FDFW offer us no solid alternatives to drugs use (not even Jebus, but probably Tom Cruise) and it is simply assumed that drugs will vanish as soon as we all learn of their side-effects. The Truth! The Facts!

We’re all very savvy of the side-effects of booze and fags, but I’m pretty sure that they still exist.